August 20, 2013
This past week we learned that bachelor contestant Gia Allemand and actor Lee Thompson Young took their own lives. Every time I hear similar news I can’t help but remember the day that I attempted to take my own life and how I would have deprived myself of so many great things that I have experienced since then. Thus, I look back to that date with horror because I was so close to succeeding at it and would have been the biggest mistake I could have made in my life. I always say that taking your own life is always a personal choice and I can relate as to why some people keep making that choice. However, what pains me is that they make that choice because they are totally unaware of the things that I am fortunate enough to know about them today. I did not know back then, but I am aware today that by changing your mind about taking your life and choosing to live another day can eventually give you the chance to experience the emotional peace that you have been looking for. I survived to see another day and I realize now what I could have missed had I succeeded at my attempt.
I know that choosing to see another day can be challenging since the emotional pain that you are experiencing feels excruciating. The reason is that depression and feelings of suicide come about feelings of extreme anger and hatred that we direct towards ourselves but we may instead interpret them as extreme sadness. This is not always the case in acute depression where shame or guilt may trigger the desire to take your own life. However it is likely to be the case in major chronic depression where we experience a sense of worthlessness, hopelessness, or helplessness. It is the kind of hatred that if you were to direct it towards someone you hate, and you were a violent person, you might end up taking that person’s life. However, in this case you are directing that hatred towards yourself. Let’s face it, the same way you would not want to take the life of someone that you really love and respect you would not take your own life if you loved and respected who you are. You would only do that if you experienced deep hate against yourself even if it is subconsciously.
For whatever reason we feel so dissatisfied with our lives that we just want to punish ourselves for being where we are today because in our minds we no longer have a chance of achieving the things that we wanted from it or we are tired trying and have given up. The worst part is that we get so caught up in that state of mind that we fail to realize that although those are unrealistic thoughts that we entertain in our minds they feel so powerful that they cloud our reasoning. When we look around we can always find so many people that have far more limitations than we do and yet they love themselves for who they are while we choose to hate ourselves for who we are. There are people out there that love us for who we are but yet we choose to hate ourselves. Unfortunately, it is that choice that we make that could make the difference between life and death. Choosing to hate yourself is just that--- a choice. It is something that you choose to do because certainly no one can make you hate yourself if you chose not to. You have absolute control over that.
In my book I describe how I managed to separate that state of mind from the rest of my life but then again that is a choice that I made. I came to realize that my state of mind was the result of a conflicted belief system that I had failed to understand. Whether you love or hate yourself depends on the belief system that you nurtured from the time you were born. If you nurtured a belief system that would make you hate yourself if you did not achieve certain level of excellence in your life then you would have to decide whether you want to continue entertaining those standards of excellence. You can always modify them so that you can accept and love yourself for what you have become because only you can define what excellence is. There are many successful people that have taken their own lives because they felt that the level of excellence that they had achieved was not worth living for.
However, as you may already know, failure to become successful is not what causes people to take their own lives. Not everyone is interested about becoming a star or making millions of dollars. Even those who have become superstars or made millions of dollars have taken their own lives. The issue could be about relationships, friendships, or family issues but like I said the unrealistic expectations about those issues are ingrained in your belief system and as long as you continue to try to satisfy your belief system’s expectation of you, you may continue to feel desponded, hopeless and helpless because rather than focusing on what you have accomplished so far you are focusing on what you didn’t. For me understanding how my belief system was hurting me was a turning point in my fight against depression and experiencing the exciting things that I did. I was able to do that just because I was lucky to survive or lived to see another day. Thus, it really pains me when I hear that someone took his or her own life because they will never have the chance to experience the great things that can come about choosing to live another day. It is sad that they deprived themselves of that.