June 24, 2014
In my post last week I stated that by understanding how our feelings of anger come about we can achieve a sense of peace and feel more at ease about the situation that brought it on. However, there are those who have a difficult time controlling their anger and want to get even. What they do not realize is that in trying to get even they may actually end up crushing the other person’s feelings and dignity by assaulting them physically or verbally. Unfortunately, once they do that they often realize that they went too far and undoing what they did may not be an option. After attacking someone verbally or physically saying that you regret what you did is not going to bring that person’s dignity back and help you earn his or her respect. Thus, to avoid getting to that point in a situation where, for example, you just found out you were betrayed by someone and you want to confront this person, it is important to learn to manage your anger by taking the following steps.
1. If you are feeling that the level of anger that you are experiencing is very intense, your best option is to avoid coming face to face with this person, and say nothing. Take a long walk or go for a run, if you are a runner, or even do a workout routine, if that is what you prefer to do, or practice your favorite sport. The important thing is to do something physical to release some of the intense energy you might be experiencing as the result of your anger. While you are doing this, make sure to gather your thoughts in a rational way and come up with options that will help you resolve this problem in a sensible way.
2. Express your outrage using “I feel” statements to describe your feelings rather than the accusatory “you” statements to describe your feelings when you confront this person. For example, if you were to say, “I feel that you stabbed me in the back by what you did to me and I really feel that you acted like a jerk,” this will be less confronting than if you were to say “you are nothing more than a backstabber and a real jerk!” The difference is that when you express “I feel” statements what you are doing is expressing your interpretation of what that person did and you are leaving room for that person to correct you if you were wrong in your interpretation. In the latter statement, you are essentially telling that person that you have made up your mind about the kind of person he or she is and there is nothing that he or she can say or do to change that. As such, you can expect a very angry response from that person.
3. Don’t hold a grudge after you have expressed your frustrations to that person. Doing that will not be helpful to you or anyone. If you do not let go of your anger, after expressing your feelings, you will be consumed by it. Your interactions with other people or your loved ones will be uneasy and you will not enjoy your time even if you go on a vacation. It is best to forgive that person, let go of your anger, and move on. You do not have to tell that person that you forgive him or her, and that you can go back to being friends, if you feel that he or she would be likely to hurt you again. However, you can forgive them in your mind and then tell yourself that you are not going to waste any more time dwelling on what he or she did to you. If possible, try to find some humor in it.
4. Practice relaxation techniques that help you meditate about situations and visualize sensible resolutions to problems that make you angry.